MISCARRIAGES & LOSS

(This was written in 2020 but just being uploaded now, hence the opening intro is past news)

This is something that I have wanted to write for a long time and with this month being Baby Loss Awareness I feel its only fitting, you may have seen former model Chrissy Tegan and John Legend share their story recently about their Miscarriage. What shocked me most that tv show “Loose Women” did a segment on this and received 261 complaints that followed with people saying they felt uncomfortable. Whilst I am not a fan of these two, I do however resonate with their loss, and I am glad that the word ‘Miscarriage’ is now in circulation. With that being said I would like to share my story. From Having an eating disorder for so many years doctors told me it was extremely unlikely that I would be able to have children which I had accepted, children did not interest me at all. I had always been on a contraceptive Jag up un till 2017. It was one of those wake-up moments where I realised, I was just adding chemical crap into my body, of which I had no idea of its contents, as well as realising I was stopping a natural process. Also, in 2017 I met my current partner, His family is huge! So after seeing the way he was with his family, how close and loving they all were that’s when it hit me. I did want children; I just had not found the right person to make me want that in life. I could see that he would also want children in the future too, I explained to him my situation early on in our relationship that kids were unlikely for me. He just said it was not a problem and that if it happened, we would cross the bridge together and look into other options that are out there. Which I myself had not thought of. So, in 2019 you can only imagine both of our surprised faces when I produced a positive pregnancy test. I remember sitting on our bedroom floor sticking my head in and out of the instructions to make sure it was positive. We were both nervous and shocked but also excited, it was a universal blessing. We booked all our appointments, sat in waiting rooms feeling like undercover humans just in case someone we knew spotted us. We Bought Baby accessories on our next shop like a thermometer for the bath etc. The best bit was telling our family, my mum was super happy I mean she was not thrilled when I said she would be called granny but that was a work on. My partners family were over the moon some of them actually cried. Everything was great. Everyone was excited… I mean the constant peeing, sore boobs, morning sickness, swollen feet were not exactly perks but they are part of the journey. We had so much to look forward to, then the bleeding started…

I had been at work on the Friday and my partner was out with friends. I finished my shift and decided to just have a shower and dive into bed, I felt I little wet and thought maybe it was a little pee came out, yes pee does sometimes spontaneously come out when your pregnant, I went to the bathroom and there was blood. I instantly freaked and set to the internet, most sites said it was normal to have spotting and so it slightly set my mind to rest. The next morning, I was still bleeding which neither of us knew what to do so we decided to go to the hospital to get everything checked out. We arrived I got my bloods taken, they examined me and said all was fine my cervix was closed and bloods were also fine. So that set our mind at ease. I spent the week at home resting and generally just taking it easy. The following Saturday the bleeding was still happening and decided enough was enough and that we should go back to the hospital again with the same routine they did my bloods fine, checked my cervix fine and off we went home. It was Jed 7’s and I told my partner he should just go down and enjoy himself there was no need for both of us to be sat feeling glum. So, he went down to the 7’s and my mum came over we ordered pizza and decided on a chick flick which was lovely I never got to spend much time with my mum at the time so it was nice. 2 hours went by, and I was exhausted so decided to go for a shower and get organised for bed. When I jumped out of the shower, huge clots of blood fell to the floor, that’s when I knew, I just burst into tears I sat in my pool of blood and cried I remember my mum coming through and I said what do you think and she said “ I’m sorry but I don’t think its looking good, I’ll phone Blake” ( Blakes my partner so ill refer to him from now on) So once again we bundled into the car, off to the hospital where we waited for hours and hours. By this stage both Blake and I were angry we had been left, did not know what was happening or if our baby was ok. For the third time everything came back fine so off we trotted home thinking the hospital were probably sick of us by this stage. Sunday went by and into Monday we went, this is when the real pain started. The whole of that Monday I spend crying in bed, these were the worst cramps I had had. By Tuesday night it was 1AM and I was screaming our building down it was like my body was telling me to push but I could not, I was bleeding uncontrollably so Blake scrambled to pack me a hospital bag and got me in to the car and off we went to our new home, the hospital. We arrived in A&E with me still screaming between tears and pain. They gave me Gas and air which made everything slightly spinny but still I had this awful pain. I got seen by the gynie where they said the big M word “I’m sorry it looks like you’re having a miscarriage.” We really did not know what the word meant which sounds naïve but when your pregnant your just in the zone of being parents, you do not draw yourself to the possibility of something going wrong. So, they moved me to the maternity ward, we had our own room, and the nurses got a fold out bed for Blake too. They started feeding me these tablets which were meant to help me push out our baby. The pain was surging everywhere I could not lie in any one position. I started getting morphine injected into my bum cheek to help with the pain which was not doing anything. We went through Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday like this. 4 days, four whole days I spent in a hospital bed crying, screaming in pain, trying to push. Blake by my side trying to feed me, shower me, help me to the toilet I was on constant morphine and actually was sick on him a couple times. Whilst I tell you how traumatic this was for me; I need you to also understand how traumatic it was for him. There was nothing he could do, he could not take the pain away, he could not help me push. He just had to take care of me the best he could, He went through all of this too. By Saturday, the Doctor had decided enough was enough and decided to do a D&C (Dilation & curettage basically scraping inside the womb) to remove our baby. I was not making any real progress and it was cruel to leave me like this any longer. I was wheeled into theatre and knocked out, so the next bit I remember is getting taken back to the hospital room where I heard one of the nurses say im sorry the baby was dead for a while. I could not think, all that was running through my head was that I was carrying our dead baby in my tummy. It is soul crushing to think of it. I was so in and out of consciousness that night my breathing was so low Blake spent the entire night watching my oxygen levels, I was suffocating I remember waking up and I could not breathe I physically could not take a breath. On Sunday morning Blake had said to me that he had though of a name for our baby boy, Manaia, which is Māori ( Blakes from New Zealand ) He explained it meant in short A guardian of two worlds. Which was very fitting. The nurse came to ask what we would like to do with our babies remains, we decided to bury our Manaia. I sat while Blake packed up our things and once again the nurse re appeared with this little box, I said what is this, she said your baby. I sat on the edge of the bed holding our baby in a box, a f*cking box. I said to her we had named him, and our plan was to bury him at my mum’s house, when she asked the name, I burst into tears… I could not remember, I cried harder how could I not remember our baby’s name. She comforted me and said I still was dealing with a lot of hormones and a lot of medication and to not beat myself up over this. All the nurses were wonderful I have to say what genuine caring people. Blake got a wheelchair, and we left the maternity ward, as we went through the hospital, we were met with new-born babies coming in with proud smiling parents. Its one of those moments that really hit me. These people have their babies, they get to bath them, hold them. I am sat leaving with an empty womb and carrying my dead baby in a box I am never going to get to hold Manaia in my arms, I am never going to get to smell his hair, to hear his giggle. We decided that we would bury our Manaia under a dwarf willow tree at my mum’s house, I had this beautiful wooden box that we had decided to put him in. I had to transfer him from the cardboard box from the hospital to our one. I could barley see him my eyes were so flooded with tears, but I had to be strong. And so, we placed him into the ground and through facetime Blakes family said a prayer for Manaia and we buried him. From the weeks and months that followed I did not know what to do with myself, I did not understand grief, I did not plan a recovery process from this. I just had to pick myself up and get on with it, I thought of all the people we had not told, we never got to make our announcement. I was angry at the world, and I was grumpy all the time. People just assumed I was a cow, but behind all of that I was this emotional broken person. I threw myself back into my swimming to focus on something other than my emotions. I supressed the whole experience, I did not want to think about it, I did not want to be weak. I started to run through all the things I had done, I was playing Rugby, I was drinking, I was smoking and the whole time I was pregnant and did not know. It was my fault. I couldn’t sit there and not blame myself I had neglected to know the signs of my own body to tell me I was pregnant, I remember after one rugby game I got up from a pile up and felt super dizzy that was a sign and I didn’t even know I thought I just had a concussion. I eventually spoke to a gypsy who explained to me none of this was my fault these things do happen. The baby was in itself unwell and wouldn’t have lived a happy life. It may sound silly but sometimes it takes someone to tell you it is ok and that it was not your fault. Then in August (2019) I was not feeling myself I was so fatigued my periods were all over the place and had not properly returned since my previous pregnancy. I went to the doctors again they ran some tests. They phoned back a few days later and my doctor was asking how I was after my miscarriage etc would we try again blah blah and then she followed that up with because… your pregnant. I think I said something like “sorry what” I could not believe it, we were not trying again, there was one of those drunken fumble nights where we were not careful and suddenly, I clicked. I came off the phone and phoned Blake straight away. I remember him saying like “that one time...” It was a big shock for us both, you might be saying how naive you had sex what do you expect. But I mean it does not always work like that we were having unprotected sex for the first few years of our relationship and nothing... It was harder this time; we had only just experienced a loss and I felt this sudden sickness in my stomach I had gone back to drinking and smoking and im now 7 weeks pregnant. We had to be firm with each other and despite me thinking that this was a true blessing, we had to be reserved. We wanted to be happy but how could we, still dealing with grief that I do not think either of us had really addressed. So, I will fast forward a week, we had processed the information, but I sat with this pain in my side, it was uncomfortable to walk. I phoned the midwife and she said to go to the hospital for an early scan I remember her saying “look forward to showing your partner an early scan picture.”

I arrived at the hospital, and I was the only one in the waiting room which was a relief as I was nervous to see anyone I knew. I went into the scan rooms, got some bloods taken and laid back while the nurse put that cold jelly on my belly, she went over a couple times, zoomed in, zoomed out. She told me that we would do an internal transvaginal scan to get a better look. She did that and then she took a deep breath and said “Brooke im sorry but there’s no pregnancy sac.” I am lying there with no idea what she meant, am I pregnant, am I not, what is going on? She explained I might just be earlier than I thought and to come back for more bloods in a couple of days (Saturday the 24th of August) This was a huge day for me I had organised a charity fundraiser to swim across loch Lomond we had live music, a quiz and was set to be a really good night. Which gave me the rest of the day to set up for my event. We arrived at the hospital on Saturday morning where I got bloods taken and got an examination. The Gynaecologist told me that I had a pregnancy of unknown location, the baby was stuck in my tube and that they would have to operate. I refused, I was not letting people down on this charity event, I had put so much work into it and was going to let this ruin my day. So, we came back I got organised and the show went on. I started heavily bleeding at the start of my event I think just the stress of everything had brought it on. The live music was great, the quiz went well, and everyone was having a fun time. I was pottering about collecting glasses and that is went I felt an urge to push, I ran to the toilets and there in my pants was a huge bit of internal tissue I did not know what it was I had to wrap it in some tissue I grabbed Blake and went to our flat upstairs. Then the pain started, I had felt this pain before, I phoned the hospital and they said to come straight in. I was by this stage crawling around on our bedroom floor on all fours cramping, everyone had been drinking and we could not get a lift. One of the bar staff had to take us across, we sat on her back seat I cried into Blakes chest. We had told her that it was just one of my painful periods and I feel ashamed that I had to lie to her about this. I had surgery the next day to again go in and see where the foetus was, and I also had another D&C to remove any excess. That is when I realised that the huge, big of tissue I had to push out in the women’s toilets was in fact part of our little baby, we flushed it down the toilet, what else were we meant to do.

Once again, I was wheeled out of the hospital and home to bed. I feel that is when my thoughts got dark, I was depressed. When you are in school you are taught how to protect yourself from having children how to have safe sex. No one ever tells you about Miscarriages Stillbirth or pregnancy complications, no one ever tells you that you may have infertility problems. There is nothing that can ever prepare you for one of these moments. I felt inadequate as a woman, this is a gift given to women our bodies are designed to birth children and yet my body is incapable of this, I felt less than a woman, I felt like a nothing.

I spent months asking myself if I was a bad person, what did I do to deserve these misfortunes. Why Me? Why Us? No one could offer me an answer. With every pregnancy announcement I saw it got harder, I was jealous, I was envious of these people’s joy, of the experiences I would once again miss out on. Not ever knowing what colour our babies’ eyes would have been, would the second of been a boy or a girl there is a million questions I asked myself daily. One of my close friends was pregnant at the time, she had a really tough year and when I got the invite to her baby shower, I felt sick however also in that moment I realised this was not about me. Despite all those other people I felt resentment for, I was happy for her, she really did deserve this happiness and I had to be there for her. I was so focused on being angry at the world I forgot how to be happy for other people. Do not get me wrong I still wondered what my baby shower would have been like, But I was in those moments for her for her excitement, this was about her.

January 2020 rolled around, and everything just pieced itself together for me, I did not feel angry anymore, I did not want to be sad. I had wasted an entire year not dealing with my grief or my emotions I had shut myself into such a tightly wrapped box I didn’t want to pull that bow to open the box. The first thing I tackled was my thought of why do sad things happen… They don’t, this was not a misfortune, now when I look at my situation, I feel powerful, because I know that I am strong. We did not do anything bad; we are not bad people at all. Our babies were just not ready for this world and that is why they chose to exit early and that’s ok. The experience was not easy but together Blake and I have been through this, we had bad days but from the bad days we know we can handle anything… We are strong individually, but we are much stronger together. What I also learnt from this is that when the day does arrive for us to have children, whether that be our own naturally, with a surrogate or even adoption that day will be special and regardless 100% worth the wait. We will always be parents to our little boy Manaia and I do sometimes feel his presence. I am grateful that despite the hurt, he has his purpose in this world. Purpose, you ask. He has allowed me to share our experience with you, we want you to know that you are not alone. I am sharing our journey because whoever you are a mother, daughter, wife, sister, brother, son, husband… At some stage in your life this may affect someone close to you or you are directly. I do not want you to be ashamed, I do not want you to hurt and to bury your grief. I want you to acknowledge your pain and to not disregard it and hurt yourself for as long as I did, to not only hurt myself but my partner too. We are here for you. An important thing to know is that there is no time limit on grief, there is no ticking timer as you now know I took my time to deal with our loss, we all process in our own way. I know some people wonder why I write such personal blogs but I do because I know in some of my life experiences I have felt alone and didn’t know where or who to turn to and so I want to create a safe space for people to talk if they need to, even more so since rise in mental health cases since the pandemic in 2020.

If its Miscarriage, Stillbirth, or Infertility, or quite frankly anything… if you are going through this now or have previously then do reach out to me or if you’re a guy your more than welcome to message Blake I know he’d be happy to help if he can.

You are not alone. You are Strong You are Powerful You are a Parent.

Thanks for reading

Bee 😊